shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
