I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
