OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
