My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
