Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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