I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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