I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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