It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
