the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was confusing and full of hummus
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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