I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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