I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
