i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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