Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
