on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
