I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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