my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
