Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
