Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
