I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
