I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You can't special order awesome
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
