You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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