im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
