he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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