How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
