wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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