I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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