I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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