Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
