It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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