I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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