John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
