you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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