there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
