Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
