i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
