Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
