I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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