.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
