I could make wine with my vomit
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
