I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Are we still banned from the library?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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