just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
