I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
