Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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