no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
