fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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