I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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