Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
True strength comes from lack of pants
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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