i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
