Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I want her autograph on my taint
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
