why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
